Thursday, August 25, 2011

Review: Rednecks 'n' Roses

Rednecks 'n' Roses
Rednecks 'n' Roses by Judy Mays

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Well, crap on a cracker. I'm on page 33 and I think I've said WTF about five times already. The plot is that romance writer Amber has inherited a house in the boonies from her great-aunt and it comes complete with a hick vampire. Amber discovers the existence of said vampire when she finds what she thinks is a dead body in the bathtub. It's actually the hero, Rusty Nipple (I swear ta God), and he's not too pleased about her intrusion in his life. Amber, on the other hand, thinks this is the greatest thing since sliced bread and immediately starts plotting ways to turn Rusty from a hick to a more traditional vampire & peppering him with research questions.

Yes, she wants to dye his hair black and convert him from drinking deer blood to drinking human blood. WTF, WTF! She wants him to start eating people?!? What the hell kind of heroine is she? Then, THEN, the reader discovers that Rusty is impotent, the assumption being since he's been converted. But wait! He thinks about Amber and bam! Little Rusty is back and we're treated to this: A single tear rolled down his cheek and disappeared into his beard. “Buddy, you’re back!”

In the next scene that Rusty and Amber share together, Amber begins to enlighten Rusty about all the things he's doing wrong, and Rusty basically tells her that he's the vampire & she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. You said it, Rusty. I mean, if Rusty was an ethnic character, Hispanic or Black or whatever, and Amber starts 'educating' him on how his 'kind' is supposed to act? Readers would band together and trample this book into the dust.

And it doesn't stop! Amber just keeps being a, a, species-ist? racist?, JUDGMENTAL, person to the point where she shaves off his beard while he's sleeping because "Vampires weren’t supposed to have beards." This chick is insane. And Rusty apparently likes the crazy because little Rusty keeps making appearances!

Then there's a scene in a bar where Amber proceeds to sneer at every aspect of the local culture and doesn't believe that Rusty could've gone to college because "Rednecks don’t go to college." It's only until she's confronted with Rusty's sire, a 'traditional' vampire, that she says, hey, maybe a vampire who prefers animals isn't that bad after all.

I don't know what happened here. I mean, Mays is a good writer. And it's not like the book was littered with grammatical errors or typos. Really, it's all Amber's fault. She's an awful, awful person and Rusty is quite sane, despite his vampirehood. Why on Earth would you be attracted to her, Rusty? WHY?

I'm giving this two stars because maybe it's supposed to be tongue-in-cheek and I just completely missed that. Or maybe Amber should just be beaten with a tolerance stick. You decide, or just save your money and read the Ellora's Cave 'Heat' series instead.

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